2009-02-27 - 8:11 p.m.
Not sure if I'll end up posting this in the end.
There's a million and one things for me to do but I can't get myself to work like I used to.
She says I'm being too hard on myself. That all throughout these few months, I gave up on the simple pleasures of my life.
I'm meeting you later in 45 minutes' time?
And I don't know how it's going to turn out. She tells me to be honest with you, to let you know about whatever I was unhappy about, whatever I have been crying over the past few days with.
But I told her I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I don't want to.
But I'm going to listen to her, I had enough of crying on my own while thinking you're probably still enjoying yourself not knowing how much you've hurt me.
I heard you on the phone just now and you still sounded so happy.
I told you I don't know how you manage to do it but I can't pretend nothing's happened. You said you didn't manage to do it, you were just acting like nothing's happened.
But why? How? I don't understand. And when I saw your facebook shoutouts, I still had this bit of sympathy for you, not wanting you to feel upset about anything. And that's why I messaged, and that's why you suggested having the talk later.
I don't get why you must do this to me. I don't get how you can change suddenly. I don't get how someone can show so much concern and end up just saying I didn't mean it.
You succeeded. You really managed to toy with me.
I told her I feel so dumb. I never liked you at the beginning. You weren't even someone I would consider in the past, but step by step, I fell prey to your actions.
And I feel even more dumb now that I can't get myself to work normally like I used to. I need to forget about this whole incident and continue running for myself. I tried, and I did work for the past few days. I went for training, I went for appointments, I went for dinner with my friends.
But after it all, I only feel lethargy.
Tired of pretending in front of all of them so that they wouldn't realise anything is wrong , tired of ignoring you, tired of pretending to be perfectly normal.
And yet, when I asked for some space, you refused to give it to me. You said okay, but your messages continued coming. Your messages of concern at that.
Can't you just get out of my life. Please.
She says I have every right to show I'm upset.
Maybe.