2012-01-26 - 6:43 a.m.
我只是一个很普通的女生。
我会痛，会累，会听不懂。
It was not an easy decision.
It was not a rash decision.
To u (though u won't see this),
Somehow I have to thank you for being so honest during the last talk. Ironically, your sense of honesty was one of the reasons I fell for you yet it was also the reason I made the final decision when it finally came back at the end.
Maybe you still don't know why I was so determined with the decision, Maybe you still blame me for investigating hence leading to the breakup. Maybe you still think lying is the easier way out. But what I did not say is, you don't understand. When you lie to someone close to you, that person will know. As much as you hide it, as much as you make arrangements to conceal it, that person can feel it. Remember how we played bluff at the pub and you kept losing to me? Because I can see it in your eyes when you lie. You said my intuition is scary, but you know what, my intuition only works with you. Because you weren't born a liar, because you were honest to begin with, because you are a really lousy liar, because I know you, and because I loved you. Treasure a girl who loves you in future, because she will really understand your every flick of your eyebrow, whether your smile is a real smile, will really think for you in everything she does and hence can feel it immediately when you stop doing the same for her...
So you see, even if I didn't find out in the end, I can still feel your uneasiness because you lied, I will still let that uneasiness eat into me, you will get even more irritated with me. One day, when I or you can't take it, which trust me, we were already near the brim before I investigated, we will end up this way too.
You said no relationship lasts forever. I beg to differ. No feelings last forever. That's what I agree with. No two people can have that same spark with each other for years and years, no two people can feel forever that the person beside him or her is always the best choice. Thats why I said, 感觉是虚幻的。 But Commitment makes the difference in this equation. When there's no spark anymore, commitment to each other prevents one from seeking others, commitment to each other makes sure whoever doesn't feel the spark attempt to do something to rekindle that spark, commitment to each other helps one to not blame the other party just because the spark is gone.
Maybe you think I'm too naive. But I was brought up this way. I saw real examples believing in d forever equation. Maybe you were hurt in the past. Maybe at too young a age, you saw a different example and hence you blocked your eyes from other examples in life. Maybe it was too painful for you then. That's why you know, I don't blame you entirely for this. I know you have been through a lot, I know you really felt the pain, a pain I can never fully understand because I didn't go through it. But I know u feel pain, because once, just once, you lashed out at me because I was complaining about my own parents. I wished you didn't have to go through it, but I can't do anything about it anymore. That's why I did all I could to make you feel loved, that's why I gave in to you all the time, that's why when everyone tells me I'm being silly, I think in my heart, no, he deserves me doing this for him, that's why when it's pretty obvious you don't put in as much effort, I tell myself it's okay, give him time to learn how to show you love someone.
I'm not attempting to change how you think about relationships. But I just wish you could hold some hope in life that it can happen. Hope will make you smile from within, so that you don't always have to put on a facade to tell everyone you feel good when you don't. It will happen, to lucky people, to kind people. You have always been lucky to have a very extremely loving mother who arranges everything for you, a sister who still bears with your bullying with a smile at the end, really good friends who stand by you just like how you stand by them. And kind? I loved you, also because you are kind, helping others even if it meant going an extra mile.
I'm a contributor for this result too because you know why? I keep telling you about how important communication is, but I never communicated what I said above to you. You said you are not good with words, so am I. Until today when I type this out, I could not find a way to tell you these things.
Maybe you are right. Maybe I should have given you more space, more freedom. I should not and cannot assume that just because I lock myself out from other guys since I have been with you, you need to do the same for me. I made you tired, and made myself tired. But until now, I still don't understand how you can tell me one of my 优点 is 我让你自由 but you advised me in the end when I have another relationship, I need to give the guy more freedom. Maybe you were confused, or maybe I don't get it yet. You said I was blur right? I agree, I don't understand everything in life, I am also learning. I just wished you gave me time to learn, wished you guided me so I could learn. But you didn't give me a chance, you denied me that chance, when you confessed your love or like for her.
And really, affirmation can help. I mean, sincere and honest explanations assuring your other half that everything will be okay, that the one you love is still her, that no matter what you see out there, you will still come back. Its not cheesy, its not mushy, it's giving her and yourself a reminder when you say it. You gave me some, but not enough, not enough when it's mixed with your more frequent comments about other people's relationships that relationships won't last. That's why I had that insecurity u know, that's why my trust got eaten bit by bit easily when things happened.
缘份尽了，我也认了。朋友真的很生气，我知道她们为我抱不平，因为他们认识我而不认识你，不知道也许你有你的理由。所以我不会恨你，因为这不完完全全是你的错。我希望，有一天，你和我都会了解我们两个互相所说的话，从中学会教训，以后变得跟好。
谢谢你，我曾经很爱过，很爱过的你。